Why wasn’t I miraculously healed? Why wasn’t the temptation for food removed from me?
Well, it goes back to the beginning of this post, because you see – I had two prayers. I was praying that God would be the center of my life while also praying that God would give me something I desired deeply, to be thin again and feel comfortable in my own body.
See, I thought it was by being thin I would again feel like my old self; feel comfortable going out in public, meeting people and just looking fabulous!
But, you know, an identity in being thin…well it’s just not from God.
That’s an identity that I concocted, that I created to help me survive this world. Maybe you have heard of this before, but that kind of identity is called your “false-self.”
A false-self is an identity that you have created that is not rooted in God. Instead, the false-self is a sort of idol that takes the place of God in the center of our life.
I love what Thomas Merton states about the false-self:
“Every one of us is shadowed by an illusory person: a false self. This is the man that I want myself to be but who cannot exist, because God does not know anything about him. And to be unknown of God is altogether too much privacy.”
Going back to my competing prayers – why would God give me an answer to a prayer that would reinforce and build up an identity that He did not create?
He wants much more for me than to be skinny. He wants me to be whole in Him and not to depend on circumstances to build my security.
God wasn’t going to give me over to my idol, thankfully! He was answering my prayer for Him to be the center of my life, not what I thought would make me happy.
He wants to heal all places of my being, not just surface issues, and weight problems are almost always a surface issue. They are outward expression of something deeper that is wrong and broken. They represent something that desperately needs God’s mercy, power and love.
Yes, God absolutely has the power to heal and do miraculous things and I do think it is quite miraculous what He is doing in me. He has been calling me from my false-self into my real identity in Him.
This has been a long process, but a process that is very much worth it.
Over the past couple of years, I have been experiencing God’s love in whole new ways. I’ve seen God more deeply profound and on a daily basis, not just “mountaintop times.”
I truly believe He has my best interest at heart and He loves me more than I will ever be able to receive or know.
I believe He is good and I believe He know’s what He is doing and I believe that His way is the best for me.
So where am I today with weight loss? Well I’ll tell you this much, it’s not so emotional for me. I don’t feel torn or devastated about my size. I’m still not where I want to be, but I understand that I’m a work in progress and have grace on myself, the same grace God has shown me and gives abundantly.
I really have a clearer picture that weight loss is a call to self-control (a fruit of the Spirit) and discipline. It’s really a simple formula, but when my emotions are out of whack, it isn’t so simple.
That’s where I have to turn to God, take a deep breath, and say, “It’s going to be ok. You love me and I’m learning to love me.”
One day I’ll get where I want to be, and where I want to be is secure it God’s arms and love.
I really don’t say this with rose-color glasses on, I mean it from the bottom of my heart, because friends nothing, I mean nothing -not even your skinny jeans – is better than having your identity rooted and secure in God’s love for you.
That’s my pursuit, and as I walk further down that road. I know God will help me let go of unhealthy behaviors and turn to healthier choices, He already has.
Now, my question for myself is, “How can God become a comfort for me instead of food? How can I run to Him instead of a doughnut? And how can food be a nourishment for me and not an emotional tie?”
I believe this is exactly the type of thinking that God wants for me. He wants me to let go of my old way of living, of taking care of my problems and allow Him to be the One that takes care of me.
While, I am not back to being as thin as I was in high school and college, I can tell you I am a person who is learning how deeply loved she is by God. I’m a person who is growing in her relationship with her Creator.
I’m the woman who is allowing God to touch the tenderness of her inner-most being with His wonderful love. All of this is so much better than my skinny jeans.
If you are struggling with unanswered prayers in your life, you might find this post helpful: “How To Handle Prayers That Don’t Go Your Way.”
Thanks for listening to my story!